Nike Unveils ‘Fired Up’ the 2018 Air Jordan’s Pre-Doused In Accelerant

“Fired Up” 2018 Jordan’s

Recent news of Nike’s “Just Do It” campaign sponsoring controversial NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has been volatile on both sides of the issue and knowing how to capitalize on a controversy is in the Nike corporation’s blood. With a call to boycott the company and burn their product by many who disagree with Kaepernick’s decision to kneel at the playing of the national anthem, Nike realized that many anti-kneeling protesters don’t likely own a pair of Jordan’s or running shoes or cleats of any kind, so to solve the problem for these potential customers, Nike has developed a shoe pre-soaked in fire starter to save them the hassle of a separate trip to the local Walmart for something to accelerate the process.

“We thought about integrating a strike match on the end of the laces but realized there was a risk of having the shoes catch fire during shipment. This would defeat the purpose of customers setting the shoes on fire as soon as they arrive at the door.” Says, Angelina Jones, director of marketing for Nike. “Depending on their popularity, we may expand to other signature models. Why protest with an old, smelly pair of shoes when you can do it in style?”

Nike’s ‘Fired Up’ Jordan’s will be available for an undetermined period. “We want to see how long this fallout will ride and cash in on it while we can.” Jones adds.

The Five Cardinal Rules of Millennials

Just some tips on making sure you are living at your full Millennial-est

1. Never criticize yourself – only others
Introspection and thoughtfulness should only be used to find out how others are the cause of your limitations and flaws.  Take offense and any little negative comment; especially if it’s true. Key individuals who can compromise your “awesomeness” are: parents, teachers, coaches, and anyone who pours time and energy into helping you and takes time to offer “sound” advice.

2. Make sure you are always pleased
It goes without saying that you are entitled to happiness and constant joy. But make sure you don’t make the mistake of pursuing it, no energy should ever be wasted on that. Joy and pleasure should fall into your lap every day. It is the duty of everyone you interact with to make sure you are satisfied and not upset. If at any point in life this does not happen, either file a law suit or shame someone on social media (whether or not they have anything to do with your sorrow). Also, make sure you do this in the most childish way possible.

3. Zero shades of gray
Everything is black or white. Others are either 100% right or 100% wrong, there is no middle ground. Moderates are pussies. In the interest of politics and social issues, never have a conversation with someone that may challenge your views and beliefs. Compromise is for weasel-pukes.

4. Go “all the way” to make your point
Protests and video rants are the only way to get your message across to others. When your opposer sees you with picket signs, chanting obscenities, and posting videos that threaten violence, they will learn a new level of respect for you.

5. Millions of fans surely can’t be wrong
Bandwagons are the safest place to feel superior which we all know is everyone’s life-goal. Who wants to be in the minority view? Why would anyone listen to them? If at any point you are not sure if your views on a topic are unpopular, try to consult CNN, VICE, teens, millionaire athletes, porn stars, and most Hollywood celebrities (especially the ones that didn’t go to college or finish high school). Never seek the insight of douchey nerds like scientists, social workers, older political leaders, educators, spiritual leaders, or anyone who is not physically attractive.

 

Now you are ready to fight whatever issue is relevant today.  So grab your knitted hat, your anti-(something) poster go out there and BE SENSITIVE!!!

 

by – Darren T. Brown