The Five Cardinal Rules of Millennials

Just some tips on making sure you are living at your full Millennial-est

1. Never criticize yourself – only others
Introspection and thoughtfulness should only be used to find out how others are the cause of your limitations and flaws.  Take offense and any little negative comment; especially if it’s true. Key individuals who can compromise your “awesomeness” are: parents, teachers, coaches, and anyone who pours time and energy into helping you and takes time to offer “sound” advice.

2. Make sure you are always pleased
It goes without saying that you are entitled to happiness and constant joy. But make sure you don’t make the mistake of pursuing it, no energy should ever be wasted on that. Joy and pleasure should fall into your lap every day. It is the duty of everyone you interact with to make sure you are satisfied and not upset. If at any point in life this does not happen, either file a law suit or shame someone on social media (whether or not they have anything to do with your sorrow). Also, make sure you do this in the most childish way possible.

3. Zero shades of gray
Everything is black or white. Others are either 100% right or 100% wrong, there is no middle ground. Moderates are pussies. In the interest of politics and social issues, never have a conversation with someone that may challenge your views and beliefs. Compromise is for weasel-pukes.

4. Go “all the way” to make your point
Protests and video rants are the only way to get your message across to others. When your opposer sees you with picket signs, chanting obscenities, and posting videos that threaten violence, they will learn a new level of respect for you.

5. Millions of fans surely can’t be wrong
Bandwagons are the safest place to feel superior which we all know is everyone’s life-goal. Who wants to be in the minority view? Why would anyone listen to them? If at any point you are not sure if your views on a topic are unpopular, try to consult CNN, VICE, teens, millionaire athletes, porn stars, and most Hollywood celebrities (especially the ones that didn’t go to college or finish high school). Never seek the insight of douchey nerds like scientists, social workers, older political leaders, educators, spiritual leaders, or anyone who is not physically attractive.


Now you are ready to fight whatever issue is relevant today.  So grab your knitted hat, your anti-(something) poster go out there and BE SENSITIVE!!!


by – Darren T. Brown

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